The UKIP Policy Shop Sketch (with apologies to Monty Python)

Customer (John Cleese): Good Morning.

Shopkeeper (Michael Palin): Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the UKIP Policy Emporium!

C: Thank you my good man.

S: What can I do for you, sir?

C: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurman Street just now, skimming through ‘Rogue Herries’ by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all reflective.

S: Reflective, sir?

C: Studient.

S: Eh?

C: Ee, I were all thoughtful-like!

S: Ah, thoughtful!

C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, ‘I wonder what all this palaver about UKIP is’, so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some political documentation!

S: Come again?

C: I want to see UKIP’s policies.

S: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the morris dancers!

C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

S: Sorry?

C: I like a nice dance, you’re forced to!

S: So, they can go on dancing, can they?

C: Most certainly! Now then, some policies please, my good man.

S: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

C: Well, er, how about a little Economic Strategy?

S: I’m, afraid we’re fresh out of Economic Strategy, sir.

C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Renewables?

S: I’m afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, get it fresh on Monday.

C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, twelve pages of NHS, if you please.

S: Ah! It’s been on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

C: It’s Not my lucky day, is it? Technology?

S: Sorry, sir.

C: Islam?

S: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

C: Education?

S: Sorry.

C: Abortion? Energy?

S: No.

C: Any Equal Opportunities, perchance?

S: No.

C: Assisted Suicide?

S: No.

C: Child Support?

S: No.

C: Licensing Laws?

S: (pause) No.

C: Social Security?

S: No.

C: Same-sex marriage?

S: Definitely not.

C: Deficit, Income Tax, Fuel Duty, Employment, the Welfare State?

S: No.

C: Immigration, perhaps?

S: Ah! We have Immigration, yes, sir.

C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

S: Yessir. It’s ah… it’s a bit racist.

C: Oh, I like it racist.

S: Well,.. It’s very racist, actually, sir.

C: No matter. Fetch hither the policy of the Third Reich!

S: I…think it’s a bit more racist than you’d like it, sir.

C: I don’t care how fucking racist it is. Hand it over with all speed.

S: Oooooooooohhh……..!

C: What now?

S: The cat’s eaten it.

C: Has he?

S: She, sir.

C: War on Terror?

S: No.

C: United Nations?

S: No.

C: Marijuana?

S: No.

C: Hard Drugs?

S: No.

C: Agriculture?

S: No sir.

C: You… do have some policies, don’t you?

S: (brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a policy shop , sir. We’ve got-

C: No, no, don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.

S: Fair enough.

C: er… Euthanasia.

S: Yes?

C: Ah, well, I’ll have some of that!

S: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Euthanasia, that’s my name.

(pause)

C: Climate Change?

S: Not as such.

C: Free Trade?

S: No

C: Nuclear Power?

S: No

C: Corruption?

S: No

C: Terrorism?

S: No

C: Overseas Aid?

S: Not today, sir, no.

C: Aah, how about Crime?

S: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.

C: Not much ca–It’s the single most popular policy in the world!

S: Not ’round here, sir.

C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular policy ’round here?’

S: Europe, sir.

C: Is it.

S: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

C: Is it.

S: It’s our number one best seller, sir!

C: I see. Uuh… ‘Europe’, eh?

S: Right, sir.

C: All right. Okay. ‘Have you got any?’ He asked, expecting the answer ‘no’.

S: I’ll have a look, sir… nnnno.

C: It’s not much of a policy shop, is it?

S: Finest in the district sir!

C: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, pray.

S: Well, it’s so clean, sir!

C: It’s certainly uncontaminated by policy.

S: You haven’t asked me about Terrorism, sir.

C: Is it worth it?

S: Could be.

C: Have you –SHUT THAT BLOODY MORRIS DANCING UP!

S: Told you, sir…

C: Have you got any Terrorism?

S: No.

C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place……. Tell me:

S: Yes, sir?

C: Have you in fact got any policies here at all?

S: Yes, sir.

C: Really?

S: No. Not really, sir.

C: You haven’t.

S: No, sir. Not a scrap. We destroyed all our 2010 policies ‘cos they were dodgy. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

C: Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.

S: Right-oh, sir. [BANG]

C: What a senseless waste of human life.